The festival of plight!

“Thanks to our artists, we pretend well, living under canopies of painted clouds and painted gods, in halls of marble floors across which the sung Masses paint hope in deep impatsi of echo. We make of the hollow world a fuller, messier, prettier place, but all our inventions can’t create the one thing we require: to deserve any fond attention we might accidentally receive, to receive any fond attention we don’t in the course of things deserve. We are never enough to ourselves because we can never be enough to another. Any one of us walks into any room and reminds its occupant that we are not the one they most want to see. We are never the one. We are never enough.”
― Gregory Maguire
I’ve always been the kinda guy who was self conscious,very much so.So Ever since I was a kid, I did stuff in certain ways that were influenced by all this.I wanted to be the “nice,silent type”.
“just another service provided by your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!”~ Spiderman
Well that was something I often repeated in my head, maybe I couldn’t glide over roof tops or shoot webbing outta my hands, but I was friendly and I was all that except for the super powers.
I was the little kid around the block who knew everyone, talked to everyone and was on good terms with all the folks, but still distant.Never too close with one person.I didn’t want to get attached, I liked my life the way it was.I did not want it to change.But Change is the only constant in life.
I was and am the kinda person people look at on the street and wave to, give a warm smile and ALWAYS stop to talk to me, maybe offer a cup tea at home.I’d always decline though.(but that wasn’t always cause of my civilities but was cause I was sort of lactose intolerant!). The kid who’d help the old lady with the grocery bag,offer directions to anyone who was lost, drop kids rushing off to school, always stop to help the guy who’s bike just broke down.So you get the Idea right?
Well in all fairness most of this was cause of my Dad, boy did he know how to raise a kid!!!!
I was NEVER given the easy way with him. He always made me do it the hard way, made me learn things the old fashioned way even though I had an easier alternative at my disposal, but he’d always make me do it the old way.But I thank him now, for that.He facilitated all the accumulation of  worldly knowledge and experience I have.I am very sure if you’d ask the average Indian kid to go to court and file an appeal for a case, he’d be flabbergasted.But for me I’d do it.That was the thing!He made me do so much that I’d get through every daily situation, no hassle.
He set the bar up high.He was the reason I did all this, and until a few months till now I was happy content with all this, and was in fact a bit proud of myself.
“Life isn’t fair. A fair’s a place where you eat corn dogs and ride the Ferris wheel.”
― Jennifer Brown
Well that’s what happened to me, and it was my fault.I was and still am all this,But I did something that made all this inconsequential, that made me hate myself, made me get this feeling of intense self loathing. Cause I couldn’t do right by someone and that guilt drives me crazy, EVERYDAY.
It is the reason I HATE myself.
The question I ask myself is quite simple really, am I a good person?
The answer I give myself, is NO.All those little things didn’t matter,cause well I just screwed up big time.
Someone once told me that it was cause of all those little things and all that about me that I was something that I wasn’t to anyone before.The ONE thing I’d striven to become, a person people look up to and a person people wanna be like.That person told me I was a Role model, I was everything they wanted to be.
But, Alas!
That was a LIE.A sweet comforting lie, that I hid myself behind,that made me happy, but I saw the truth today, and well I guess you could Imagine how it would shatter your heart, something you’ve ALWAYS wanted, that all your life you’d lived to get that,you did everything to get that,and someone tells you, you have it.
But in the end, it was never something I had.
(And I know the title seems a bit out of place, well I’ll explain.Today is Diwali,the “Festival of lights”, for those of you who are not familiar with the term, there’s always Google!
and I’d just like to say,
The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say.

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