Well,this post is sort of a shout out for a friend!well he’s going through a real hard time and I figure he just needs a place to vent,just like so many people(including me),it doesn’t really matter if anyone hears what he has to say,sometimes you just gotta shout at the wall,let it all out, the wall won’t comfort you,won’t lend you a shoulder to cry on.But at the same time the wall won’t hit you back either,it’s NEUTRAL.Sometimes you need that.
Well, this friend of mine, let’s call him “Dexter”,well I doubt he wants his real name published, and so we’ll call him Dexter, maybe even Dex for short.So the following story it’ll be in his narrative.And mind you, you can’t really distinguish between mine and his,maybe that’s because of the similarities,more than meets the eye.
Well,Life it has it’s ups an downs and well as this blog’s title says life should have both,the Ferris wheel should rotate like the cycle of life,Having those ecstatic HIGHS and those not-so-great LOWS.
Balance,That’s something that’s essential with life and when you”ve lost it,well what happens it’s not predictable.Well the it’s gonna be chaotic but the magnitude it can’t really be foreseen.
“All it takes is a push.”
That’s really very true, you never know what that push will be, maybe your favorite team losses a match, that pencil tip keeps breaking off,you see an old text, that pushes you over the edge and then you just stumble upon IT.The urge comes back,the urge to feel NUMB again.For those of you who are wondering what I’m talking about, “IT” is in fact a strip of sleeping pills, and well to a prescribed insomniac who has just gotten over it and has been able to get over the “pill” phase and has been sleeping “okay”(okay in this sense meaning getting maybe 4 hours of sleep in average without the pills though).
A prescription to sleeping pills,having that old strip that comes into view at that instant, at that very instant
you got that push, well it all just seems to far fetched to be a coincidence, so I consider the possibility
then you get that cliche thought, “What have I got to lose?”
Well indeed what have I got left?
And just to clarify I wasn’t thinking about suicide, I am way over that phase(well YES, there was a time I did consider it, but not anymore I OWE too many people and I’m not leaving without paying them back.)
So,What do I have left?
Nothing.It’s actually very surprising and also quite comical how everything in your life could change so drastically in like a matter of a day.
Well, let’s start from the morning, well a mortifying morning it was,I don’t think many of you have experienced a morning where you just wake up and find out,that you have no one in your life.Well except for that one person who you just threw away. So now you’re devoid of anyone in your life and in consequence you actually do something that makes that ONE person who was actually there for you through it and u make them hate you.Well that person was someone who was everything to me and I just went on hurting them, I broke that person’s heart so many times that,well they reached their limit,they couldn’t take it anymore.Not more from this psychotic loser.That person had enough,even then the care it didn’t go away, they checked up on me from time to time and making sure I had someone to talk to but I didn’t take up on the offer, because I knew I had done enough.And in all fairness they were hurt way beyond what I was,experienced more pain than I ever will but I guess I was never strong.
And well now I was all alone and well it wasn’t something I was used to. I was scared,terrified beyond all belief and comprehension.And that was only how the day started, and I really do not know if it was just a sad twist of fate or just something that happened spontaneously but I had my university practicals scheduled for that day and well I already had an arrear from the previous semester and I really couldn’t afford another one,so In I went,the lab as usual was fully crowded with students doing last minute revisions and other nervous creatures peering over their shoulders, and I was there looking totally out of place for the exam was the last thing on my mind and well this part of my day it was all a blur, fleeting and painful. well you can imagine how that turned out for me.Not to great,yeah!
Then I had a phone call I’d never forget in my life.
When you find out that for the past three months, the you have sucked the living soul out of the person whom you thought you had treasured, whom you thought meant the world to you, the person you loved the most,and you find out that all you’ve been doing was only HURTING that person beyond belief or repair, to find out that you never really loved that person because if I did, I would’ve never tried taking that person away from something they love, then I guess what I did was something right out of a movie, went to the terrace sat down on the edge of the ledge, I knew I’d never fall,I’d never kill myself I was never that strong.But I sat there thinking for hours thinking and I realized with exceptional clarity.
“It’s amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.”
That I ruined her life.I broke her heart, made her go to great lengths for my silly and mundane oscillations, I never did the right thing by her and yet she stayed by my side, unrelenting and comforting and yet I continued my endless torment and well I realized it was better if I stayed away, well I considered doing the right thing, staying by her side and making her happy as I always did, but when you realize that was all FALSE,just a comforting lie I was living in, that I never made her happy and I just hurt her and I will continue doing that because human nature, it’s very hard to change when you’re really this vile creature who sucks out the life of a person, and you cannot imagine the amount of self hate I have for myself right now, because I realized by logic that I never did in fact love her but my heart it still BELIEVES and well to know that you were the person who hurt the one you love the most and well you hate yourself for that and while you’re up on the ledge processing all this and a senior calls you up and announces quite abruptly that they were was a “Ragging” session to be conducted tonight.For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, I say.,
Google KNOWS all!”.
well so the night ended at around 3 am, and well if you’re from India you’d know what goes on during that time and in my college it’s extra special(not as good as it sounds).
So, we’re finally here, What do you do?
You see those pills and you just take a few,and slip into comfortable sleep.
Drift into sleep,into nothingness, into feeling NUMB. And I’ve to tell you it feels as advertised.
And well I’ve been doing that now, just sleeping not even getting up to eat, just SLEEP, all day, getting comfortable.You might ask, why sleep?
Because if I don’t I’ll not be able to hold back, I’ll just end up sabotaging people’s lives,
So, WHY get up indeed?!